Parenting is one of the most rewarding and challenging experiences, and it’s easy to get caught up in the desire to “do it right”—to always show up with love and confidence. But the truth is, every parenting journey has its bumps and setbacks. The moments of frustration, anxiety, and self-doubt are all part of the process, and how we respond to these emotions can shape the kind of relationship we build with ourselves and our children.
In this blog post, I am going to talk about the natural stress responses that arise during difficult moments and how you can reparent yourself to navigate them with more grace and self-awareness.
Stress Responses: The Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn
When we face stressful situations, whether it's an upcoming event, an emotional challenge, or a difficult interaction, our bodies have automatic responses to help us survive. These responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—are primal reactions that are deeply ingrained in us. Understanding your stress response means recognizing that you're not being chased by a lion (unless you are - then PLEASE keep running away or do whatever you are supposed to do when you are being chased by a lion!). Instead of reacting automatically, you can listen to what your body is signalling and recognise that you are in the stress response. Name what you are feeling in the moment and then give yourself some time to calm your body down (with grounding or breathing techniques or just step outside for a few minutes if possible) and think of better ways to protect yourself from that " chasing lion ", this may include having time for yourself/ boundaries settings and giving yourself what you need at the moment.
- The Fight Response: When feeling threatened or overwhelmed, you may react with anger, frustration, or defensiveness. In a parenting context, this could manifest as impatience/or joining in your child's tantrum when they shout/cry/interrupt you, or when things don’t go as planned.
- The Flight Response: Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, you might feel the urge to escape or withdraw—whether physically or emotionally. You might shut down, avoid confrontation, or disconnect from the situation because it feels too much to handle.
- The Freeze Response: In some situations, stress can overwhelm you to the point where you feel stuck/helpless and unable to act or make decisions. The freeze response can look like emotional paralysis, where you become numb/detached from your feelings or overwhelmed by them.
- The Fawn Response: This response involves people-pleasing or trying to appease others to avoid conflict. It’s the tendency to suppress your true feelings to keep the peace, even if it means neglecting your own needs in the process.
Reparenting Yourself: A Journey of Self-Awareness and Compassion
Imagine you’re about to go through something challenging—maybe a difficult situation with your child, a stressful work deadline, or a personal worry—and your stress responses start kicking in. It might feel like your body is on autopilot, but with some practice, you can learn to recognise it and choose to respond differently in some of these moments.
This involves acknowledging your feelings and responding to them with compassion, rather than letting the automatic stress reactions take over. It’s about embracing the discomfort, understanding where it’s coming from, and making space for your emotions/or limitations without judgment.
Take a moment to reflect on the kind of parent/person you want to be. Many of us, especially in the early days of parenting, feel pressure to do everything perfectly, to be patient and calm at all times, and to somehow manage our children’s emotions without letting them get in the way. But the truth is, it is NOT REALISTIC, and it’s okay to experience setbacks, no one is perfect, and it is healthier to show up with authenticity rather than perfection. It’s not about doing it all right—but trusting the process and giving yourself grace when things don’t go as planned.
Real-Life Example: Let’s explore how stress responses can show up in real life. You may recognize yourself in a similar situation: You're tired/sleep-deprived/ill/your children are ill/going through a difficult phase - you name it. You may be feeling anxious, frustrated/exhausted. You feel the weight of having to stay present with your child's emotions and respond with love and patience while the reality is that you are overwhelmed by what you are feeling in the moment. Physically, your body starts to react...
Then, just as you have managed to find some peace, you're interrupted by your child, which triggers even more frustration. You feel the weight of the interruption, feel the pressure to be in control of your emotions, and simultaneously, you are in touch with that frustration of not having a quiet, uninterrupted moment. You may lash out at your child and get caught up in the sense that it is too much, you’re failing or not doing it “right” because it doesn’t look like the calm, peaceful parenting moments you’ve seen others handle so effortlessly/including those perfect mums on INSTAGRAM...
In this scenario, it’s easy to fall into one of the stress responses or the stress response may show up in a sequence. You might feel the urge to fight—lashing out at your child/partner. Then it feels like too much, and You might want to flee—by physically/emotionally withdrawing, or offering distraction to yourself and/or your child. Or, you could freeze, feeling stuck, resigned unsure of how to handle the situation. You may spend the rest of the day numbing your feelings with the internet/wine or whatever it is that helps you numb what you feel in the moment. The fawn response might even kick in, where you try to anxiously over-compensate, maybe by giving in to demands just to keep the peace and avoid another confrontation.
But instead of letting these automatic reactions take over, there’s an opportunity to reparent yourself and respond differently to your child or whoever triggered you. Here’s how:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Rather than brushing off your frustration or anxiety, pause and notice what’s going on in your body. Recognize the tension, and the flutters in your stomach, these are signals that something inside you is feeling unsettled.
- Give Yourself Permission to Feel: It's normal to feel frustrated or anxious, especially in moments that push your limits. Permit yourself to experience these feelings without judgment. Just because you're angry doesn't mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.
- Trust Your Journey: Reparenting yourself is about trusting your process and allowing it to unfold naturally. Instead of comparing yourself to others or trying to “do it right,” remind yourself that this is your journey and that it’s okay to lose it/have setbacks along the way. You don’t need to be perfect—what matters is honouring your emotions and your willingness to learn from each moment.
- Practice Self-Regulation Tools: Use self-regulation techniques, such as breathing, polyvagal techniques or grounding exercises. Create a routine that will support you and do not forget about regular exercise. See what works for you. Having a supportive routine can help you stay grounded in the present moment, rather than getting swept away by the intensity of your emotions. And please remember it won't always work but the more you regulate your emotions and do not expect perfection, the more likely you create that space between impulse and reaction so keep practicing.
- Take Responsibility for Your Emotions: Sometimes, it’s easy to blame external circumstances—your kids, your partner, or even the situation itself—for how you feel. But reparenting yourself means being curious about your emotions and seeing challenging moments as opportunities for growth. And you may not see these opportunities immediately but you may arrive at that stage in the future/looking back at some of these challenges that made you feel frustrated/helpless/stuck and see the growth.
The Power of Self-Compassion and Growth
When you allow yourself to be in touch with your feelings and honour your journey, you do not only create a healthier emotional environment for yourself but also model emotional resilience for your children. When they see you navigating through life with self-awareness and self-compassion, they learn that it’s okay to feel big emotions—and that it’s possible to work through them with curiosity and kindness.
So, if you find yourself overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated, remember that these emotions are part of being human and your stress response is there for a reason. Trust your journey, practice self-regulation, and give yourself permission to grow through the process. Every step you take towards self-awareness and self-compassion is a step toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Final Thoughts:
Parenting is a process of constant learning and evolving both for you and your children. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough. By understanding your stress responses and reparenting yourself with kindness, you can navigate the challenges of parenting and life with more ease and confidence. Trust your path, and allow yourself to grow through every setback. You’ve got this.